Sigh

Hoo ha! Look at that belly! The little bugger is kicking all the time now, very present in our lives already. Cati keeps talking about how big her belly is, and I keep trying to remind her that it's not really "her" belly right now. I mean, sure, when she looks down there, I imagine it looks big, but it's just stretching around this little critter that's growing bigger and bigger.

Pregnancy so far has been a pretty blissful state, but there are some things that have been less fun so far (just speaking for myself, I'm sure Cati's less enamored of having to pee every 12 seconds, etc). For one, being in this kind of weird waiting state is a little hard on both of us, I think. There are so many decisions, actions, thoughts, that are clouded over with the knowledge that everything in our universe is going to change in a way that's impossible to plan. Not just the practical side--sleep deprivation, worry for baby health, constricted social calendar, family goodness--but also the emotional side. I think our friend Kelly said that it's like jumping off a cliff and falling and falling into love with no end. Cati and I both love each other very much, but I think we're also increasingly cognizant that there's another realm of love that we haven't seen yet. Just feeling that little kick gives you a glimpse of it. Of course, that's a good and wonderful thing in many ways, but how weird is it to wait for this feeling that there's no way to replicate? I think as children our whole lives are built around a new thing around every corner warping our minds and changing our vision for good. As adults, you start getting used to and relying on predictable rhythms. This sense that your life is about to be engulfed, even if it's by wonder and joy, is intimidating at times. Every time Cati or I say "We should" or "We'll need to", it's immediately modified in my brain by "That we is going to be three." How will we know what WE need to do, or how WE should feel or act?

And yet, of course, softening the fear and occasional annoyance is the knowledge that falling and falling, if you never hit bottom, is usually called something else. Flight.